As millennials continually chuck out tradition, I am seeing a disturbing trend amongst men my age. Flattering, fitting, good-looking clothes are nowhere to be seen. We look like a gaggle of cross-eyed losers that have been dressed by their incontinent mothers. Actually, our mothers could probably dress us better than the crap we continually churn out. Here are the biggest mistakes I keep on seeing. These eight fashion faux pas are causing me to prematurely age, while at the same time, drying up any woman that come into contact with them. Men, do yourselves a favour…
1. Wear clothes that fit!
I feel like putting this on the list should be redundant, which is why it saddens me to pencil it in at number one. It should be a given, but the days of homosexual tailors measuring your inner thigh are long gone. In fact, even the notion of a ‘change room’ seems to be utterly confusing to the modern gentleman, or should I say, dork meister. I keep seeing extra fabric continually blowing around my head, endlessly mocking me like schizophrenic voices. If we reduced the amount of extra clothing of young men these days by half, we would have enough fabric to clothe the third world five times over. Little Kali may have dirty drinking water, but it wouldn’t seem so bad if he had a cool hipster cardigan, cut from the lame, skinny body of some douche bag. Gents, when you are buying clothes, grab two or three sizes and actually try them on. Preferably get a second opinion from either a friend/partner or at least the effeminate Indian shop assistant with the diamond ear stud that won’t leave you alone. This is number one because it’s the easiest. It should be pretty straightforward.
2. Do not wear shorts!
No grown man should ever wear shorts. Shorts are for little children and not much else. That is why in school, when you finally claw your way to the senior grades you get the big boy pants. In Africa, if a grown man wore shorts they would be ostracised from the family like a peadophile with leprosy. Speaking of peadophiles, if you want to perfect the ‘toddler playing with their trucks’ look, shorts may be for you. Go for the cargo short addition for the school shooter flavour, perfectly matched with an ugly, popped collar polo shirt. The only excuse to wear shorts might be the beach or anything physically active, like boxing. Even then, go for something fashionable and designer. You want to look like 007 coming out of the water in Casino Royale, not the player/coach/manager of the private school chess club.
3. If you cannot grow facial hair, do not grow facial hair!
This is serious stuff, guys. Hipster culture has single-handedly destroyed the male jaw line. Everyone is trying to grow out their prepubescent facial pubes, making them look like they covered the face in glue stick and gone down on Susan Boyle. It is safe to say that if you are not Irish, Scottish or Middle Eastern in decent, you should not even attempt facial hair until you’re a grandfather. Unless you live in Ipswich, because you’re probably a grandfather by the time you’re eighteen. I have accepted the fact that my face will always be about as hipster as an Osmond’s. If I want to grow a 1×1 inch patch of neck beard, I’m set, but since I want to be respected by literally anyone, I shave it off ever one to two days. A clean-cut chin combined with a neat haircut is sufficient to rock for about thirty years. Speaking of haircuts…
4. Use some form of hair product!
This is not the 1970s.You cannot get away with big, bushy ‘Jew-frows’ or limp, serial killer bowl cuts anymore. It is time to use any, literally any, form of hair product. Something is better than nothing, but if you can, find a nice pomade. If not, Brylcreem is tried and true and is a few dollars from any supermarket. Ideally, find a celebrity with your hair type and find out what product they use. They are usually being sponsored by Uppercut or something like that, so just google their name with ‘hair product’. There you go. Easy. If you rock up to work or University looking like Jim Carrey from Dumb & Dumber, everyone will assume you don’t care about your appearance. Woman will jump to the conclusion that if you cannot spare a few minutes in the morning to do your hair, than your whole life must be a mess. Frankly, they’re probably right too. Girls want to run their fingers through your hair and smell a nice wax, not the grease from your dandruff.
5. No logos, slogans or funny quips!
You are your own brand. Every day you should be out marketing yourself to friends, employers and woman. By wearing a childish joke shirt that’s about your dick or something, the only one that is looking like a prick is you. On a side note, it is incredibly hard to pull off a t-shirt unless you have shoulders like Dwight Howard. By wearing a big Nike tick you are sub-consciously saying that you are subservient to these companies and that you need their help to impress. You may point to Lebron James who is always covered head to toe in sponsors, but guess what, I have given away the answer to that phenomenon already. Can you guess it? ‘Sponsors’. He is getting paid millions to even wipe his ass with a Adidas towel. You are getting diddly squat to look like a diddly dick.
6. Do not neglect footwear!
Men, no one wants to see your toes. No one wants to see your disgusting, in-grown ‘naily’ foot stubs. I am sick of seeing those ‘cheese nubs’ wiggle around in front of me on the train, on the bus, at the shop and underneath the table. Put them the fuck away. Our feet are not like women’s feet. Women can flaunt their’s because their bodies are like a work of art. My feet are a disaster zone. I have oily, black hairs sporadically boring out of my waxy skin like electrical wires, every toenail is ingrown, I most likely have a build up of orange foot cheese and my ankles are red and raw with weeping blisters. The last thing I want to do is show them off with an equally cruddy pair of cheap thongs or sour hippy sandals. The absolute worst abomination on the face of the earth is the ‘shower thong’ with the big velcro flap. Nothing about these sinful flip-flops is flattering. The probable amount of festering bacteria thriving in between those stupid massage dots is enough to make me dry heave. Their society is most likely doing better than ours. They have gone through millions of years of little germ revolutions and evolutions. They have tried communism and socialism but now they’re onto little germ capitalism and the strongest germs are thriving between your toes. It is only a matter of time before there is a full-blown Civil War between the south heel germs and north toe germs. Chuck those thongs out before they unify and start taking over the other shoes in your closet.
I am chucking the rest of this list out because nothing can top the last rule. If nothing else, please keep your feet covered. It can easily ruin any outfit, no matter how perfect. Out of any political or social movement, I believe in improving male fashion sense more than anything. If all men started to dress better, it would fix many of our problems.